The 'actual' retreat - Suan Mokkh

Okay, I am a huge procrastinator.  Most of you (that know me), already know this.  How many months have I been home since returning from Asia? Actually, let's not talk about that...


I guess I am FINALLY writing about the actual retreat because a) I promised that I would, and b) I've had to do a lot of thinking about what I've gotten out of it and how I'm currently applying its teachings to my life.


Today I went on a date (I know, this is such a tangent) and we were talking about my experience at the Suan Mokkh.  As a procrastinator, I have to admit that I haven't been meditating as often as I feel I should be meditating.  Why is that? Why did I force myself to complete such a hard task, and stick it out to the end, if I'm not going to try to benefit from it going forward?  These are questions that I've started to ask myself.


In my last post I described the actual physical conditions of the retreat.  We were all exposed to the aescethic lifestyle which Buddhadasa Bhikkhu espoused: concrete cells, two meals per day, dedicated practice to meditation and Buddhist teachings.  However, as much as I joked that the conditions made Canadian prison (not that I've experienced it first handed mind you...) look like a Hilton, they weren't what tested me.  It was the physical practice that was hard.


Meditating - whether for 20 minutes for 15 hours - is hard.  There's no way around it.  Our minds are programmed to wander, to jump from thought to thought.  In my case this included a whole symphony of berating thoughts - 'why are you doing this? You are such an idiot! You can't even quiet your mind for 2 minutes! By the way, your legs look fat'.  I suck at meditating.  When I wasn't struggling to stay awake I was desperately trying to quiet my mind.  It was excruciatingly difficult.  I think for every 15 hours a day of meditation, I got maybe an hour - max - in of actual meditation.


When we all got together on the final night to share our experiences there were a few people in our group who discussed reaching some sort of blissful plane.  One French guy even spoke about orgasming while meditating (TMI?).  Over the course of the 10 days I was lucky to find a fleeting moment of peace and internal quiet.  Maybe I haven't been great about keeping up with my practice since finding anything rewarding about it seems so difficult.  Then again, if you're looking for some sort of reward you're doing it wrong.  So they say...


Since I said I would discuss the actual retreat, here is the schedule from the monastery website with my notes.  *For anyone wanting to attend, just show up at the monastery on the 1st of the month.  No advanced sign up option is available. 

DAILY SCHEDULE

(With some modifications on Day 9 and Day 10)

04.00  ***	Wake up                               *** = Monastery bell (HS: They used an old bomb shell as the bell.  No matter how deep of sleep you are in, this bell will wake you up and force you out of bed.  If you still refuse to get up, someone will come by and knock on your door until you get up)
04.30	Morning Reading (HS: It is still pitch black outside at this point.  A participant sits at the front with just a small light to illuminate their reading material.  If you are like me, you are struggling not to fall asleep, especially since no one can see you anyway)
04.45	Sitting meditation (HS: Everyone is instructed to 'follow the breath'.  Still struggling to stay awake)
05.15	Yoga / Exercise - Mindfulness in motion (HS: We all slowly drag our sleepy bodies to the meditation hall [another concrete building with a floor, ceiling and no walls].  It is still pitch black outside.  We all flop on our straw mats and attempt to get in a few seconds of sleep before our yoga practice begins)
07.00  ***	Dhamma talk & Sitting meditation (HS: At least at this point I am a bit more awake.  The sun is now rising)
08.00	Breakfast & Chores  (HS: This is probably in red because meal time is a definite highlight of the day.  We stood in line and scooped brown rice porridge, fresh greens, and fruit into our steel 'dog food' bowls).  I have to admit I went a little nuts with my food portions.  Our final meal of the day is at 12:30, with the next proper meal at 8:00 am the next day, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn't go hungry). Chores - anything from cleaning toilets to sweeping to mopping the floors.  I usually swept the floors of the yoga hall.  Afterward I would go back to my concrete cell to grab a few zzz's). BREAK TIME

10.00  ***	Dhamma talk (HS: When Tan Ajan [head monk] spoke I would usually fall asleep.  It always made me feel guilty.  I'm sorry Tan Ajan!!!)
11.00	Walking or standing meditation (HS: Finally an opportunity to stretch my legs.  In Thailand, it is considered rude to point your feet at someone.  This meant that very few positions were available in which to sit.  You could sit cross-legged, in lotus position, with your feet tucked underneath you.  You could not point them forward in front of you.  By mid-day by knees were killing me).
11.45  ***	Sitting meditation (HS: More sitting.  More 'following the breath').
12.30	Lunch & chores (HS: Second and final full meal.  I really loaded up my dog bowl at mid-day.  The food was actually really delicious and consisted of brown rice, some sort of vegetarian curry, fresh field greens, fruit and some 'nasty' Thai dessert.  I'm sorry, I hate durian). BREAK TIME!!!! Back to the concrete cell to catch a few more zzz's.
14.30  ***	Meditation instruction & Sitting meditation (HS: Meditation instruction: 'Don't be so hard on yourself.  Just follow the breath').
15.30	Walking or standing meditation (HS: More time to stretch the legs.  I usually walked around the beautiful pond or sat on the edge looking at the water.  Walking meditation consists of mindfully focusing on each step you take and the sensations associated with it).
16.15  ***	Sitting meditation
17.00  ***	Chanting & Loving Kindness meditation (HS: I actually really enjoyed the chanting. We all sat around and repeated each line after Monk Medhi went through it.  It was a relaxing and peaceful musical experience).
18.00	Tea & hot springs (HS: Unfortunately, I couldn't indulge in the hot springs because of my countless mosquito bites which I had picked into sores.  [Sorry for the bad mental image.  They were itchy!].  We were warned that the pond was filled with bacteria which would infect cuts or open wounds.  One girl had a pretty nasty sight to see after a few days of not listening to the nun's advice. In the dining room we were offered weak tea (caffeine was a big no no) and hot chocolate. Boy, was that hot cocoa good!  Not 'meal replacement' worthy, but pretty close. After the hot cocoa I would usually have a tummy ache, so I would head back to my cell for a few minutes to lay down.  LOL.  Alternatively, I would head over to the communal (female) bathing area where we all gathered around a huge receptacle of room temperature/cold water and bathe ourselves.  That's right folks, no showers).
19.30  ***	Sitting meditation (HS: Starting to get dark)
20.00	Group walking meditation (HS: It's dark.  Don't worry about stepping on a scorpion.  Getting stung won't kill you...it's just enough 'to make a fisherman cry').
20.30  ***	Sitting meditation
21.00  ***	Bedtime (the gates will be closed at 21.15) (HS: Don't forget to check your room for creepy crawlies.  If you find a visitor you are not allowed to kill it.  They are the host and you are the guest.  Take it outside. In my case, this meant having to find an ingenious way to get a scorpion out of my bed).
21.30  ***	LIGHTS OUT (HS: Goodnight Marvin [resident cockroach].  See you in a few hours!)

I survived!!!! A description of the accommodations (and Marvin's introduction)

I survived. It amazes me even to think about it... but, I made it through to the 11th day, said goodbye to all my fellow survivors and waved so long to the ascetic lifestyle (forever). There is absolutely zero chance that I will shave my head and call a monastry home. Absolutely none.

My adventure began on the night of July 29th. I had to get from one end of the country to the other. This included a ride on a bus which had the temperature of a freezer (brr), and a looooooooong train ride next to a sick and fussy child. All a lesson in patience. At least that's what I told myself as I attempted to remain calm and centered. Also a reminder that I never want to have children.

The way the meditation retreat at Suan Mokkh works is that there is no advance registration. You just show up the day before the retreat begins. Because I am a worrier I decided to stay the night before registration at the main monastry. This was my first taste of what was to come.

Although I had my own private room, it was the equivalent of a jail cell. In fact, I'm pretty sure that jail cells (at least in Canada) are more comfortable. This one was made entirely of concrete, save for a wooden plank for a bed, a wooden door and an iron barred window. There were cobwebs, complete with 'friendly' residents, all over the walls. For decoration and ventilation ther were small holes all along the space separating the walls from the ceiling. Of course this trellis design allows all sorts of criters to pop in for a friendly hello. My first night there was a giant gecko on the wall. It was really somewhere between a gecko and an iguana. I swept up the lizzard poo on the ground, muttered "Whatever", and climbed into my mosquito-net encased sleeping area.

The next morning we woke up at 5:30 am to get ready and head over to the International Retreat grounds to register for the 10 day silent retreat. Registration began at 7am and I had an irrational fear that if I waited to register then all the spots would be taken and my 20 hour journey would be for nothing.

If I thought the living accommodations were rough at the main monastry, then the International Retreat grounds were even more basic. Canadian jails were beginning to look pretty damn luxurious at this point. Instead of a wooden plank for a bed, we were given ones made of poured concrete. Luckily, these were covered with a piece of thin cardboard and a straw mat. Since I was there early, I was able to grab one of the few foam pads available to protect my bones from lying right on top of the hard concrete. In addition to the straw mat, we were given a fleece blanket (fleece? In Southern Thailand?), a mosquito net and a wooden pillow. That's right, we slept on blocks of wood (you can see a picture in my last post). It was amazing how the monks kept extorting the virtues of the wooden pillow. It became a huge joke among all the participants by the end of the retreat.

Not much else was provided in the room - it was a concrete cell with a slab of concrete hovering over the concrete floor with a flimsy wire suspended from two walls which could be used to hang clothes. There was a wooden door, an iron barred window (with no screen), and even larger 'ventilation/decoration' holes lining the top of the four walls. I was greeted by a few spiders that looked like relatives of turantulas, but generally it was cleaner than my previous night's accommodations. Oh well. I once again shrugged, dropped by bags and went to go join the others in their walk around the grounds.

I have to say the retreat was tough, but I learned the most about myself in that tiny little cell. Over the course of the 11 nights I encountered countless spiders, geckos, a scorpion (EEK!), and Marvin the cockroach. Marvin visited me every morning at 4am, without fail. Often I would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and Marvin would be less than a foot from my head, just separated by the flimsy mosquito net. Lovely.

I hate cockroaches. Really. I can handle spiders. I can handle wasps (which I also encountered), I can handle geckos that screetch in the middle of the night. But I HATE cockroaches. Well, I had to get over that pretty quickly. Because Marvin was the greeting committee and I wasn't allowed to kill him (assuming I could even catch him). At Suan Mokkh, one of the principles we had to abide by was that we weren't allowed to harm any living being. That meant that if you found a scorpion in your bed, you had to transport it (with 'loving kindness') to the forest outside of the dorms. So, I had to quickly make peace with Marvin. Oh, how lovely it was to wake up and find Marvin running around on my concrete slab. I just prayed that there was only one lonely Marvin and not a large group of Marvins out of sight.

Looking back though, Marvin did teach me a lot. Once I made peace with the cockroach and gave him a name and background story, it became a bit easier. Just one big joke. I was the only one with the cockroach greeting committee. I didn't even have any food in my room! So, Marvin taught how to engage in deep breathing when my pulse was racing.
We only got 6 hours of sleep per night (10pm to 4am), so I couldn't really afford to contemplate the likelihood of whether he (and others) could climb under the mosquito net and join me in bed. Especially when sleep was such a precious commodity.
After my 11 days in that cell I know that should I lose everything, I am capable of surviving in a concrete cell with cockroaches as roommates. I could handle it. I could even laugh about it (during daylight hours that is). So, here's to me. I didn't quit. I didn't cry (okay, maybe once), and I SURVIVED!
Wow, this is one long rant. I thought I should post something though before I leave Asia.... I'll try to write about the actual retreat later.

10 days in silence, meditating...

I apologize (yet again) for not keeping this blog updated. I'm not even sure that anyone is still checking for updates or reading it. However, if you're interested in the final leg of my South East Asian Adventure then read onward!

Right now I'm sitting in an internet cafe (with a sticky keyboard) across the street from the Suan Mokkh Monastry just outside of Chaiya in Southern Thailand. I registered this morning for the 10 day silent retreat that begins on the 1st of every month. This retreat is set up specifically to cater to foreigners, but that doesn't mean that any luxuries are provided.
Part of the experience is to learn how to live simply and calmly. Participants follow the lifestyle of Thai Buddhist monks - to the extent that we will eat only two meals per day (no eating after noon), we'll wake up is at 4am, sleep on concrete slabs with a wooden block for a pillow, and - the hardest thing of all - be silent for 10 days).

You may wonder why I would want to take part in such an extreme retreat. Well, I want to learn how to meditate properly, and I've only heard positive things about this place (from the 50% that make it through the 10 days). It has been a rough year and I know that my problems will be waiting for me when I return to Canada. I'm hoping that I will learn here how to accept what life gives me. I'm praying that I'll gain some sort of insight here, as well as a tool to enable me to cope better with what life throws at me. Finally, it seems like the perfect opportunity to learn more about myself and what I want from this life.

So, here's to zen living.

NB: I won't be able to access email or update the blog while I am taking part in the retreat. I will post an entry reviewing my meditation experience after I leave Suan Mokkh. Hopefully I last the full 10 days!

Magnificent Malaysia

I love Malaysia. Really. I'm going to miss this place (I leave tomorrow).

It's sad to admit, but I chose to travel to Malaysia because a) it was included in my 'Lonely Planet - South East Asia on a Shoestring' guide book, which I was already lugging around; and b) it was close to Singapore (which I had to visit anyway in June to meet a friend). I was debating traveling to China instead, but seeing as I am a horrible navigator and rely on communicating with English-speaking locals quite a bit, I decided it would be a bad idea. Plus, I'm not crazy about 'real' Chinese food (chicken feet or pig intestine anyone?).

Malaysia is a stunning country. Really. From the turquoise water of the Perhentian Islands to the lush rolling hills of the BOH tea plantations, I have enjoyed every single place I have visited. Melaka offers visitors insight into its rich history as a key trade route post (where silks were exchanged for spices), while Penang is a foodie's dream as delicious Indian, Malay and Chinese dishes are available at every turn.

I'm quite tired, so I will update this blog tomorrow (with a description of the places and people I've encountered). I have to say that it's been an unforgettable experience and I will look back fondly on my time here.

Confession - I am a horrible blogger (+ Tomb Raider Temple)

I publish posts irregularly. At the end of a long tiring day the last thing I want to do is track down a computer to blog. I'm sorry!

It's been almost one month since I blogged. Since then I have visited Cambodia, Thailand (again), Singapore, Hong Kong and now - Malaysia.

Harald and I arrived in Kuala Lumpur early this morning. What an adventure! We booked a 'luxury coach bus' for the 7 hour journey. The seats were spacious, yes, but the vehicle was also infested with cockroaches. Needless to say, the trip wasn't exactly pleasant. Since I barely got a wink of sleep last night, I ended sleeping for most of the day (it's now 3pm). Oh well, I supposed it's all just part of the 'Asian Experience'.

Right now we are staying at the Hilton Kuala Lumpur. I should have access to a computer over the next 3 days, so I will try to update this blog at least twice. That's a reasonable goal, no?

I have so many pictures to share with you. Here are a selection from two temples in Siem Reap, Cambodia. The locals call 'Ta Prohm', the first temple, the 'Tomb Raider' temple because it served as the set for the first Tomb Raider movie featuring Angelina Jolie. The building is largely in ruins, but that just adds to its appeal (I felt a bit like Indiana Jones at times walking amongst the rubble and the intertwining tree roots).

Although some of the girls on the trips claimed to be 'Templed Out', how could you get tired of exploring structures so old and tied to such a rich history! For your reading pleasure, here is a link to the history of Ta Prohm, otherwise known as the 'Tomb Raider' temple.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ta_Prohm

Good Morning Vietnam!

First off, I have to apologize for not keeping this blog consistently updated. The excuse is the same as usual - no time, lack of access to a computer with a strong internet connection and (worst of all), sticky keyboards.

It's hard to believe, but I'm already over two weeks into my GAP 'Indochina Encompassed' tour. The time has flown by, but that doesn't mean that every site hasn't been memorable in its own special way. I have a million pictures to share with you. Hopefully I'll get an opportunity to upload a selection of them today.

Overview:
Even though Laos and Vietnam share a border, they are incredibly different. Laos is the lush, relaxed and even sleepy one of the pair, while Vietnam is zipping (on incredibly strong coffee), hurried, and way more industrialized.

Each place has its own special charm; however, Laos has touched me in a way that Thailand or Vietnam has yet to do. The landscape is like something right out of a movie; lots of lush, green vegetation, rolling hills as far as the eye can see, and lazy rivers brimming with fish. The whole country seems to move at a leisurely pace - even in the capital city speeding cars are few and far between.

I must admit that the transition from the carefree nature of Laos to the hyper-caffinated Hanoi was a little jaring. Hanoi is like Delhi in the sense that crossing the street is a very scary endeavor. Once again, there was lots of praying while attempting to make my way around. Of course, once I finally got comfortable walking into streets congested with motorbikes I learned that one of my travel mates had actually gotten hit by a bike. She's okay now though. Just a little peeved.

Today we travel to Ho Chi Minh City (also known as Saigon). Apparently HCMC is like Hanoi, but on steroids. The traffic is worse, bag snatching is prevalent, and the pace is even more frenzied. Someone noted a few days ago that you could probably fit the population of Canada into this southern city. That may be an exaggeration, but I'm not looking forward to swimming through 'a sea of humanity'.

Since 'a picture is worth a 1000 words', once I upload my recent batch of pictures I will write a few photo blogs about specific experiences in each place. In a nutshell, on this leg of the trip I have: traveled by slow boat, airplane, overnight train (infested with cockroaches), motorbike, kayak, and inner tube.

Even though I try to eat as 'veggie' as possible at home, here I've sampled: frog legs, water buffalo, fresh prawns (which I swear were looking at me), crabs, dragon fruit, banana rice wine, and lao lao.

Finally, I've experienced a rainbow of emotions - from sheer joy to intense sadness. I've learned a lot about myself so far and I hope to continue 'soul searching' as I continue my Asia adventure. I try to tell myself, "Savor every moment! There is beauty in everything".

Sending lots of love your way,
H

In Laos!

I've finally embarked on my 'Indochina Encompassed' tour with GAP Adventures. I'm having a grand time, but unfortunately, haven't had access to the internet. So, I haven't been updating the blog regularly. Right now I'm in Luang Prabang. It's a sleepy city in beautiful Laos. We arrived late this afternoon after a two day boat ride down the Mekong River. Flanking the river are lush forests and mountains that rise through the clouds. Apparently dolphins also live in the river, but I wasn't fortunate enough to see any yet!

Laos is considered by many travelers to be an unspoiled paradise. I actually decided to go on this particular GAP Adventure tour after hearing many people rave about the natural beauty of this country and its people.

Unfortunately, I have to cut this short. We're about to begin a walking tour of Luang Prabang.